Letter from Laura...
It's now the wee hours of the morning, and I can't sleep so I'm up writing. One of my friends said that she, too,
could never sleep the night after chemo. You just lie in bed exhausted, but sleep is elusive. During that enigma,
she discovered a beautiful mockingbird that lived outside her window. He would sing to her during those hours of
sleeplessness and she considered it a sign of God's comfort. The only thing I've heard outside tonight is a
screeching, disgruntled cat. I'm not exactly sure what it means that she got a mockingbird and I got a lunatic
cat.
I think I allowed my mind to get a little ahead of my body. I felt like once I got the cancer free diagnosis, all
things would be back to normal. I somehow forgot about the fact that the cancer never made me feel sick - the
treatments made me feel sick. I'm still taking the treatments so I'm still not back to my old self. That's a little
disappointing, but I'm trying to just take this time to rest and be still.
Over the past three months, I've established a nice little head of thick, dark, one-inch long hair. Because of the
new treatments, it's now falling out again. You wouldn't think that would be a big deal. It is. They said this
treatment would only thin my hair, not make it completely fall out. I'm hoping they're right.
Three weeks ago I received a report that said my CT scan was cancer free. Yesterday I found out the CT scan only
covered the base of my neck, not the entire neck. So here I am today, in this all too familiar waiting place
(literally and figuratively), to hear if the cancer is indeed gone or if the first test results were not accurate.
Although the setting is familiar, my feelings are different. I'm awed by the absolute peace I have this time. I've
learned a lot by being on both sides of cancer, and I'm going to reveal to you a truth that shocked me. The cancer
free diagnosis didn't completely change my life. Now don't get me wrong -- when I found out the cancer was gone I was
absolutely delighted. Cancer free certainly is the outcome I prefer. For the first time in months, I feel like I
have a future. I've begun dreaming and hoping again. And it certainly is a praiseworthy event. So at one level,
cancer vs. cancer free is completely different.
However, in the ordinary, mundane, day-to-day life (which somehow translates into one extraordinary journey), being
cancer free didn't change things that much. After all, it was cancer that taught me to treasure each day; not the
cancer free diagnosis. Cancer taught me to smile more; not the cancer free diagnosis. Cancer taught me that rather
ordinary is quite extraordinary; not the cancer free diagnosis. Cancer taught me that life is really, really good;
not the cancer free diagnosis. Cancer taught me to love completely even if it means getting hurt; not the cancer
free diagnosis. Cancer taught me that God is always, always near; not the cancer free diagnosis. So whatever the new
CT scan reveals, I'm going to be just fine.
This summer I lost two friends from high school. They were both 33 years old. One died from an extended illness,
one from an unexpected car wreck. They both were beautiful people. People that made you say, "My life is better
because I knew that person -- if only for a while." Their deaths have reminded me of both the preciousness and
unpredictability of life. Today might be my last day on earth, or I could live longer than anyone reading this
email. Cancer is a diagnosis, not a prognosis. Likewise, life is an uncertainty, not a guarantee. Cancer has taught
me that life is defined by your days lived, not the date you die. It has taught me that all of life is a continuous
journey across a rough terrain. As soon as you get to the top of the mountain peak, you start descending back into
the valley. As soon as you reach the depths of the valley, you start ascending towards the mountain top. But through
it all, I've found one common denominator -- for those that love the Lord, all of life brings you closer to Christ.
When I stay on the mountain top, I'm not moving closer to Christ. When I wallow in the depths of the valley, I'm not
moving closer to Christ. It's only when I keep going that I move closer to Christ. And all along the journey I find
myself crying out, "Father I've given you my life! I want to believe! But I'm tired, and weary, and heavy-laden. How
much more is this going to cost me?" And through searching His Word, the answer I consistently get is simple: "Cost
you? Nothing. That price has been paid. This journey is your gift from Me. It is designed to move you closer to Me.
But the journey towards Me isn't walked down a smooth path with well-shod feet, the journey is through unbearable
heat, barren desserts, and thorny fields, and it is covered one tear at a time." And it's then that I realize I
simply can't move closer to God on my own accord. The only way for me to get closer to God is to just fall down on
my face crying and wait for Jesus to come along and scoop me up. Unfortunately, Jesus is not a bus driver. I can't
say, "Jesus! I've got the schedule. You were supposed to here 15 minutes ago. You're late! Where are you?!?" Oh, no.
Jesus is more like a Daddy. I'm the kid in the back seat whining, "How much looooooooooonger?" and Jesus just
answers, "We'll get there when we get there!"
Before cancer, when a crisis came into my life, my standard modus operandi was "Kill the Crisis Quickly." I thought
the best thing to do with a crisis was to get rid of it. I've changed my mind. Cancer has changed my mind. God has
changed my mind. You see, cancer has given me tears, but God has held me. Cancer has given me anxiety, but God has
calmed me. Cancer has given me fear, but God has given me peace. Cancer has made me weak, but God has given me
strength. Cancer has confused my mind, but God has given me clarity. Cancer has made me feel foolish, but God has
given me wisdom. Cancer has given me doubt, but God has given me hope.
Cancer has made me tired, but God has given me help. Cancer has made me sad, but God has given me joy. Cancer has
broken my heart, but God has forged a new heart. So the next time a crisis comes my way, instead of trying to kill
it, I'm going to care for it, cradle it, comfort it, and most importantly, carry it to the Cross. I know now that my
crises are worthy of this treatment, because I've learned that my greatest crisis just might evolve into my greatest
blessing.
Oh, how I covet your prayers. My joy flows only because Christ graciously continues to intercede on my behalf.
Thank you for keeping me before the Throne of Grace.
Love,
Laura